Attack of depression.

Have been having an attack of depression. When it happens to me, everything that I can see becomes something to feel guilty about. A link to a past failure. A book I haven’t read. A story I was supposed to write. Dust that shouldn’t be there. Dirt in corners. Everything becomes something that I should feel bad about.

Then I start looking for the point, I start going wrong. It keeps coming back to university. I keep wishing I had never gone. Getting a BA is irrelevant. If you mess the first week and take the wrong course, you have dammed yourself for the next few years.

It’s a domino effect. One thing goes and then everything does. You can do all the exercises, you tell yourself, that this is not your fault. But within you, something that feels more powerful is destroying all that. It’s like sending the bluebird of happiness out into ground zero of a nuclear test. No chance.

The realisation that you’ve been though this before can’t help. At the time, you are having the feelings, you feel that if they will just come back, why try to get to the surface?

What I want to happen, is to find some way I can just re-organise my life to correct this. Then I can’t make the changes I want and it all feels like it goes wrong again. Or something happens that disrupts the plans I had. (I would rate ‘Life is what happens when we are making other plans’ as one of the most sheer ‘howl-in-the-dark’ sentences ever.)

I know that I demand too much of myself. I know that things could be worse. But that can not stop the torrent of anger and spite that keeps sounding out, at me, within my mind.