A happy day in Wadebridge

Went to Wadebridge with my girlfriend. It was a beautiful sunny day. We wandered up and down the town. We sat under a tree, looking at birds on the grass. One of those moments when the world does seem like a good and happy place. When you believe in the myth of Albion.

Had the job interview, seemed to be over quicker then I thought. Now thinking about “oh no, I should have mentioned this, didn’t bring up that.” Felt that I did ok, but don’t know who else was applying. Now I just have to wait.

Music Player Upgrade?, Job worries

Currently considering if I should leap into the age of digital music and get an Ipod. This does have a lot of attractions, in that it gets rid of the need to keep carrying a load of CD’s around with me, when I want to hear music on the train. Also it means I could have all of my music in one place and download podcasts as well.

It isn’t as if I can’t afford it. But I get these conflicting feelings that I could just get a CD player that plays MP3’s, as it would be cheaper. Also the question, once I had an Ipod, what else would I use it for? I’ll decide this weekend.

I think I’m feeling tense because the date for my interview is a few days before I go to the convention. So it feels as if the two are right on top of each other.

Also, when you are made redundant, there is a thought pattern that you get into. That once you have lost your job, the next time you have an interview, it’s you’re only shot at paid work again. If you lose this one, you’ve blown you’re only chance. And as it goes on, you will have to set your sights lower and lower, until you wind up at minimum wage, doing stuff where you are the oldest person working there.

Maybe there is a way I can pick up more skills, the thing is how do you pick them up, beyond sitting behind a till? The difficulty is that I find it hard to believe that you can pick up computer skills in a day workshop. Learning to use software, is a slow process I think. All these programmes come with so many little display bits, in the toolbars and the menus. And if you don’t have opportunities to experiment and play about, how can you fully know what the programme can do?

I am again having the problem that my vision of how I should be able to work is coming up against the reality of how it actually is. To be exact I feel as I should just leap up in the morning and embark of the planning and researching two novels, reading and analysing fiction books, getting all my music sorted, exploiting the mass of research cuttings I have saved, get my miniatures painted, work on my art abilities, planning the third and maybe the third or forth novel idea, be regularly contributing to forums, looking for a new job, joining a writer’s group to improve my work. Just an average day’s work really.

I’ve got an interview on Monday. I’m hoping I’ve got a chance. The trouble is that it becomes as if you are preparing to for an interrogation. What are they going to ask me, how do I respond to this question? The difficulty with being unemployed is that the stakes get raised so much. You can start getting into the false mindset that if you miss this one, there will be nothing for another year.

We took my parents’ dog for a walk on a Newquay beach the other day. There was a shop that does very large cones of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Unfortunately, the dog kept disrupting some young men trying to have a game of cricket, by putting the ball in her mouth. I had to get it out which I found rather embarrassing. One of them said that she looks like a bear, which others have said.

Convention fears, unrealistic goals, job interveiw worries

Time for a convention related to writing is approaching, but I'm still worried about going. I keep feeling as if I have failed because I haven't published anything and been paid. It's like I'll walk in, and everybody will turn, point and say all together, "Another year and you haven't become a successful writer? Ha, Ha, Ha, you miserable failure."

I know that this is stupid and it won't happen. I know that nobody is judging me. But I get stuck into these patterns where I make myself feel guilty.

At the root of it, is that I tend to set myself unrealistic goals and I know this. It's just a case of breaking the mindset that starts doing it. Going to spend the weekend brainstoming ideas, for November novel writing month, so I'll probably feel better at the end of it.

Have got a job interview on a week on Monday, so I have time to prepare for it. My ideal way to do this would be to sit down, think of all possible questions and research the company as much as I can. I realise this sounds a bit much, but I want the job.