Feeling down again

Over the weekend, my girlfriend and I helped my father clean out a garden pond. Notable for the lack of fish turning up as the water drained. Since the tradition of building ponds in the garden started, the heron population must have exploded.

Feeling low again today. It started when I woke up too late in the morning. Then a form I was waiting for did not arrive. Tried to fill in the rough of an application form, but just got into a downer. It’s the realisation that in six years of work, because you couldn’t move out of the department, you are at a disadvantage before you start. Because I couldn’t be allowed in contact with the till counters, no matter how well I did with the customers, if they asked me questions. Maybe they were right and I couldn’t have managed it. But all I wanted was just one chance to show it. They knew that I was loyal and willing to work hard, could they at least have tried it with me?

It’s not just the lack of progress in my last job that’s the problem, it’s also that there was a yearlong gap between jobs, which doesn’t help.

It just feels like after nearly nine years of working, I haven’t managed to get anything approaching a career and it is now too late to find one.

This is why I keep thinking that I should find a way to work for myself, as I am too unskilled to get anywhere. But I can’t see anything that I can do. I did think last night, “why don’t I design T-shirts and sell them on the internet?” Then I realised, I can’t do designs, where would I get the materials and who would give the start of funds and would I really make that much money anyway?

I am returning to the pattern of hoping that everything can get sorted out after an appointment this week, so that on Monday, I can establish some sort of routine and that thing can feel normal. But then there is the fear of what if it isn’t? What if I still can’t make myself wake up early?

I know this kind of downward spiral thinking doesn’t help. I want to be able to stop doing it. But it’s just become such a deep part of my mind that when it takes over all I can do is wait for myself to rise out of it again.